flyby: [kingdom hearts: kairi and the heart of the world] (and hope that our hearts will blend)
[personal profile] flyby
[warning for TL;DR, mental health issues]

So, to quote a number of people, that happened. I wish the guys well, I will always wish them well and support whatever they need to do, and I'd rather they bring things to an end than try to carry on if it's not working out. But fuck, it hurts.

I hurt for me, because as much as I may be a serial fandom monogamist, my fannish identity is a large and important part of me, and MCR has been my fandom for what, 18 months now. That's actually one of my longer stretches being attached to a single fandom focus. To have something so important to me yanked away so suddenly and unexpectedly - yeah, that's painful. If there's any fault it's mine, for letting myself get so invested, but knowing that doesn't make it hurt any less.

And, okay. I talked some about this at Shakesville and the GUSP thread, trying to process my shit, and I love everyone in both places for letting me have the space to do that, and for being supportive. I came so late to this fandom, to this band that I love so hard, and I have a lot of regret tied up with what feels like a wasted decade of my life. But it was ilike, I could be okay with every opportunity I'd missed, because I would have the chance to see them in the future and do at least some of the things I wished I could. And, honestly, seeing MCR live had become one of my big goals. And now I will never do that, and I have officially missed every opportunity I had, and that hurts so badly. I'm mourning some of my dreams this weekend.

Plus, given all the other shit that seems to be piling up in my life lately, I am like, oh hi depressive spiral. I didn't miss you. (FTR I am keeping an eye on my mood and will seek help if this goes on too long.)

The weird part is, I saw Frank and Gerard's tweets very late Friday night and didn't put two and two together, but my subconscious obviously did. I woke suddenly on Saturday morning from a dream that I'd seen them live. It was weird, the way dreams are - there were swimming pools involved, and I remember one bit where Gerard took someone near me's ticket and then there was a whole thing where the techs came and gave G a guitar, except it was more like a painted wooden model, and then Frank got one too over top of his actual guitar, but his was giant. I woke up in the middle of a part about D&D, and the whole thing was so weird that I tweeted about it. And then I started getting ready for my saturday ritual of going out to work on my BBB fic, and I checked back online first because I'm running a BPAL GO, and this was at the top of my twitter feed. It was like my breath stopped in my chest. All yesterday it was like I had to think around the edges of it, I couldn't think about it too directly.

I'm still working my way through this; IDK yet if I can continue the stories I have in progress. Hell, I was already facing up to having to swap my Wave 1 BBB sign-up to Wave 3 for both practical reasons (guess who decided to swap the whole thing from present tense to past via a major rewrite 40k in? Yep!) and general creative drain from being ill lately. I just don't know, but I'm pretty sure I want to at least finish the energy vampires thing since it's half posted, whoops. Anyway.

In the end, I absolutely think Gerard, Mikey, Frank and Ray should be proud: they did something amazing. As late as I came to MCR, I am still absolutely thankful that I did.

So long, and goodnight.
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